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“O that his left hand were under my head, and that his right hand embraced me!”—Song of Solomon 8:3

Sonia came to visit on a Thursday. The next day, Friday, I was walking to pill line when a CO pulled me over. “Getting pulled over” is when a CO has you step aside to make sure you have your ID, that you’re where you’re supposed to be, and that you don’t have any contraband on you, which is confirmed with a pat down. But this CO said, “Were you at a visit yesterday?” I said that I had been. “Was that your wife?” I said that it was. He said, “She can’t be lounging on you like that.” I blinked at him.

Webster says that “to lounge” means “to act or move lazily or listlessly.” And I have never heard anyone describe Sonia as lazy or listless. She gets more done in a day than most people do in a week. The CO’s use of “lounging on you” though, made me think of a couch. And there are no couches in the visiting room.

Let me describe the visiting room. It is a nice bright room with some tables with plastic chairs, and rows of large vinyl cushioned chairs. The chairs are separated from each other by a thick wooden armrest. So unless you sit at a table, you sit in one of these rows of chairs, side-by-side with your visitor. We have seen some couples do their best to climb on top of each other. During one visit my mother was facing a couple where a fairly large woman was sort of straddling the armrest to rub her body all over her inmate. This sort of contact is definitely against the rules.

The official visiting rules permit you to hug and kiss -“briefly”- your visitors when they arrive and depart. The CO’s usually allow you to hold hands during your visit, as long as your hands aren’t roaming around the visitor’s body. We’ve seen a lot of that, as well as a lot of kissing going on. Occasionally a CO will approach a couple and call a penalty, forcing them to keep their hands and lips to themselves. Sonia and I have never had a whistle blown or flag thrown!

What Sonia was doing was resting her head on my shoulder – not snuggling against my neck or body. She had her cheek resting against the outside of my shoulder. I’ve been lifting weights and have more shoulder than I used to have. And for several visits she has leaned her head against me. It may not sound like much, but it is heavenly!

In Song of Solomon, a woman talks about her desire for her man to be with her, with his arm beneath her head as they lie in bed together. Some civilized states have conjugal visits. We don’t. So the most intimate contact we’ve had is Sonia’s face against my shoulder where we can imagine what it was like to be together. She closea her eyes and sighs. Sometimes she cries. And then when she opens her eyes and remembers our reality she says, “What are all these people doing in our bedroom?”

So the CO, who just pulled me over because my wife had been lounging on me, waited for a response from me. “Do you mean her head on my shoulder?” I asked. “Yah,” he said, “She can’t be lounging on you like that.”

I felt like he had punched me in the stomach. We have so little… So little… and now even this small joy was being taken away. I wanted to argue. I wanted to point out all the other couples and their more serious violations of the contact policy. But like John Cougar said, authority always wins. If I argued, it would bring more scrutiny during our visits, loss of visiting privileges, or a trip to the bucket. So I said, “Yes, Sir.”

If you are part of a couple, never take hugs, kisses, or cuddling for granted. Think about what it would be like to go without contact for a year, or years. And rejoice and be thankful for the gift of touch.

Another verse of Song of Solomon says, “If I met you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” (8:1). I cannot wait to be on the outside, to be able to kiss when we want, and to always have time for Sonia’s head on my shoulder.